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Post by Tuesg on Jul 5, 2006 19:56:21 GMT 1
This is a true story A friend of mine's mum was in ASDA, in Queens Drive and after doing her shopping decided to treat herself to a coffee and a kitkat. Having paid for her coffee and kitkat she looked for a free table and sat down. This gentleman sat down opposite her, and after she had a sip of her coffee she proceeded to open her kitkat - peeled the wrapper and broke it into two and then halved the two fingers - so she had four pieces altogether. She lifted one piece and put it in her mouth, just as the gentleman lifted a piece and put it in his mouth. Cheek she thought - but didn't say anything being too polite. She lifted another piece and eat it, just as the gentleman put the last piece in his mouth. At this point she is raging to the point you could virtually see the steam coming out of her ears - the gentleman gets up and goes to the counter and buys a large chocolate chip muffin, he then, goes and sits at another table. This, she thinks really takes the biscuit! So in a rage gets up to go - having finished her coffee. The table the gentleman was now sitting at was in the direction of the door - so just as she was passing the table she grabbed the muffin and took a big bite out of the muffin. She then walked out the door pleased with herself, as she fumbled about in her pocket for her car keys she came across a kitkat! Poor guy - must have thought she was a nutter! If thats true then it must happen to a hell of alot of women with kit kats cause that the third time I have heard it
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Funnies
Jul 10, 2006 12:08:45 GMT 1
Post by littleminx on Jul 10, 2006 12:08:45 GMT 1
ah have heard the same story except it was at a train station!!!
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Post by Tuesg on Oct 11, 2006 7:29:25 GMT 1
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics any problem they had with the airplane during the flight.
The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then explain in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken.
The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some 'actual' maintenance problems submitted by Qantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineer)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet-per-minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget
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Funnies
Sept 15, 2007 16:30:39 GMT 1
Post by bethbarnes74 on Sept 15, 2007 16:30:39 GMT 1
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow >> copper. >> He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer >> and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. >> He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow >> cop's >> expense!! >> Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please." >> London Lawyer says, "What for?" >> Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." >> London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." >> Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and >> registration, please." >> London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" >> Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, >> that's the law. License and registration, please!" >> London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow >> down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give >> me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." >> Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." >> The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton >> and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me >> to >> stop, or just slow down?"
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Funnies
Sept 19, 2007 19:09:35 GMT 1
Post by cheeky on Sept 19, 2007 19:09:35 GMT 1
7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children ====================================
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
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Funnies
Oct 10, 2007 19:00:33 GMT 1
Post by cheeky on Oct 10, 2007 19:00:33 GMT 1
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Post by stardust on Nov 8, 2007 17:51:44 GMT 1
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Funnies
Nov 13, 2007 19:15:22 GMT 1
Post by stardust on Nov 13, 2007 19:15:22 GMT 1
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Funnies
Jan 18, 2008 16:41:45 GMT 1
Post by tinchick on Jan 18, 2008 16:41:45 GMT 1
Economic Models explained with Cows - 2008 update
SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive
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Phantarch
New Member
Great minds might think alike but insanity speaks in all different languages
Posts: 10
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Post by Phantarch on Apr 6, 2008 22:09:02 GMT 1
Semi-traditional sayings
Don't worry about a thing, I reckon I've got an ace up my hole.
gentlemen the ball is now resting squarely on our shoulders.
I don't need a compass to show me which way the wind shines
I don't want to put all my monkeys in one barrel
I learned my lessons in the school of Fort Knox
If we can't lead them with a stick then we're going to have to beat them with a carrot.
I want quality, not quantity, but lots of it!
It's no skin off my teeth.
Steady now, you're opening a whole can of Pandora's worms
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Phantarch
New Member
Great minds might think alike but insanity speaks in all different languages
Posts: 10
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Post by Phantarch on Apr 7, 2008 17:50:11 GMT 1
Etymological Conundra
Why is it so hard to remember the spelling of Mnemonic?
When a building is completed, shouldn't it be called a built?
Why is it theat the word big is smaller than the word little whilst small and large are the same size?
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Post by birchma on Apr 8, 2008 16:59:40 GMT 1
My good friend from Uni sent me this email - cannae be right.. Im cancerian.. an theres no way I have all these characteristics!!
BTW ignore ( forward instructions at end of each sign)
AQUARIUS - The Sweetheart ~ ( Jan 20 - Feb 18 ) Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality. 11 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
PISCES - The Dreamer ~ ( Feb 19 - Mar 20 ) Generous, kind, and thoughtful . Very creative and imaginative. May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish.Good kisser. Beautiful. 8 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
ARIES - The Daredevil ( Mar 21 - April 19 ) Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit.Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
TAURUS - The Enduring One ~ ( April 20 - May 20th ) Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings who are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts.Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friend s and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulge themselves often. Very generous. 12 years of bad luck if you do not forward
GEMINI - The Chatterbox ~ ( May 21 - June 20 ) Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable but needs to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken. Likes change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent. Beautiful physically and mentally. 5 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
CANCER - The Protector ~ ( June 21 - July 22 ) Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome. Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
LEO - The Boss ~ ( July 23 - Aug 22 ) Very organized. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Likes boundaries. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to help others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. Doing the right thing is important to Leo's. Attractive. 13 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
VIRGO - The Perfectionist ~ Dominant ~ ( Aug 23 - Sept 22 ) In relationships, very conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward. !
LIBRA - The Harmonizer ( Sept 23 - Oct 22 ) Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible. 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
SCORPIO - The Intense One ~ Very Energetic ~ ( Oct 23 - Nov 21 ) Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long Relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times. Passio nate and Emotional. 4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
SAGITTARIUS - The Happy-Go-Lucky One ~ ( Nov 22 - Dec 21 ) Good-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome). Indulges self. Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes.Impatient .. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Beautiful inside and out 14 years of bad luck if you do not forward !
CAPRICORN - The Go-Getter ~ ( Dec 22 - Jan 19 ) Patient and wise. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be Good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Oft en pessimistic. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they want. 20 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
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Post by tinchick on Apr 30, 2008 9:51:54 GMT 1
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Funnies
Oct 11, 2008 12:00:18 GMT 1
Post by birchma on Oct 11, 2008 12:00:18 GMT 1
During lectures in personality we took part in a wee experiement regards PERSONALITY AND INDIVIDUAL DIFFERENCES You read the questions, write down your answers on paper and then relate them to the bottom answers - Please Please try and not look at the bottom answers first? I know it'll be difficult! Feel free to take part, or leave your answers. Just thought... couldve put a wee poll together with this but don't know how to! We had a great laugh in lecture reading the answers.. so enjoy! Q1. You are walking through the woods – Describe what you see Q2. You look to the side of you and see a key – Describe the key Q3. Walking further along you come to a river – Describe the river Q4. Beyond the river is a building - Describe the building The interpretation of your answers is below …………………………………………………………………….……………………………………………………………………………………………………. Q1. This is your state of mind at this precise time Q2. This describes you ego Q3. This describes your sexuality Q4. This is your current working environment
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Funnies
Oct 11, 2008 15:08:36 GMT 1
Post by theredqueen on Oct 11, 2008 15:08:36 GMT 1
MMMmmm - Not too sure what to make of my answers!! Answers Q1 - Squirrells!! - Don't know how to translate that to my state of mind! Q2 - Rusty, large and old! - Guess this means I have a large ego (possibly true Q3 - Dirty, full of litter and a shopping trolley! - Not even gonna go there with my sexuality!! Q4 - Wooden ramshackle of a hut! - I work from home so I guess that does not make me a domestic goddess!! Any other takers?
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