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Funnies
Apr 11, 2006 17:27:30 GMT 1
Post by tinchick on Apr 11, 2006 17:27:30 GMT 1
Inspired by the funnies recently posted in threads elsewhere - I'd like to invite people to get the ball rolling but remember anything insensitive or downright offensive will be removed Mmm have you heard that a pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are. Lol - pointers? What pointers? I have a wee story for you it it all about Adam and Eve and it was when God was creating men and women: - One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said. Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a thingy. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time." Says it all really! Poor Guy A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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purrrrrphect
New Member
all that is necessary for the truimph of evil is good men do nothing!!
Posts: 27
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Funnies
Apr 11, 2006 22:34:27 GMT 1
Post by purrrrrphect on Apr 11, 2006 22:34:27 GMT 1
The Old Poodle A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named uddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me! Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that dang monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!" Moral of this story.. Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullnuts and brilliance only come with age and experience!
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Post by lynseyp on Apr 23, 2006 0:44:20 GMT 1
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Funnies
Apr 23, 2006 13:42:50 GMT 1
Post by charliegirl on Apr 23, 2006 13:42:50 GMT 1
Hope this does not offend anyone
One day, George Bush decided to go for a ride in his limo. He was tired of the city, so he told his limo driver to take him to the country.
They drove around for hours, and it soon became late. The driver was geting rather tired and found it difficult to keep his eyes open.
Suddenly, the limo hit a huge bump and and the two men heard a terrible scream.
The limo driver stopped the car immediatly to see what had happened. George Bush soon got out of the car also, to investigate.
"What happened?!" asked George.
"I ran over a pig," replied his driver.
George Bush looked horrified. "Well go over to that farmhouse and tell them what you did. That pig could have been their's."
So the driver walked over to the farmhouse and knocked on the door. George Bush waited in the limo for nearly 2 and a half hours.
Finally, the limo driver came back and got back into the car. George Bush, infuriated that his driver had left him alone for so long, demanded to know where he had been.
"Do you know how long you've been gone?! What happened up there?" he asked.
The limo driver, happily confused, replied, "Those people up there threw me a huge party."
George Bush, confused himself, asked, "What? Why?"
The limo driver started up his car and answered, "I told them I was driving George Bush around, and I ran over the pig."
Here's one for Ally!
A man was sitting at a Kay Park Tavern enjoying an after-work drink when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered.
She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare, and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how unusual, for £20 under one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket, and slowly counted out four £5 notes, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."
Enjoy!
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Funnies
Apr 24, 2006 17:29:37 GMT 1
Post by birchma on Apr 24, 2006 17:29:37 GMT 1
BED OR CAKE
A husband is at home watching a football game,when his wife interrupts.
Honey,could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks.
He looks at her angrily; fix the light,now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo stamped on my forehead.
I don't think so!
The wife then asks, well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.
To which he replied, fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Zanussi written on my forehead?
I don't think so.
Fine, she says then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.
I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix the d**n steps,he says! Does it look like I have ACE Joinery Services stamped on my forehead?
I don't think so.
I've had enough of this he says, I'm going to the pub! So, he goes to the pub for a couple of hours,he starts to think about how he treated his wife,and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks up to the house he notices the front steps have been fixed.
He walks into the hall, and the light has been fixed.
As he enters the kitchen he goes to the fridge for a beer, and the fridge door is fixed.
Honey,he asks, how'd all this get fixed?
She said,well,when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man came by and asked what was wrong,and I told him. He offered to do all of the repairs,and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.
He said,so what kinda cake did you bake him?
Hellooo.... Do you see Delia Smith written on my forehead?
I don't think so!!!!
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Funnies
Apr 28, 2006 13:51:40 GMT 1
Post by chizzy on Apr 28, 2006 13:51:40 GMT 1
class!!! birchma
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Post by thwarttongue on May 1, 2006 15:38:09 GMT 1
Birchma you really made me laugh with that funny. Keep it up ladies it is all good.
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Post by bigdave on May 2, 2006 15:28:29 GMT 1
This has been deleted as completely unacceptable. It was both sexist and rude beyond belief. Please Big Dave get a grip. This Forum is used by school pupils.
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Post by littleminx on May 3, 2006 21:02:44 GMT 1
AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
This is how it manifests . I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I starttoward the garage, I notice mail on the front veranda table that I brought up from the letter box earlier, just after the mailman had been.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage bin beside the table, and notice that thebin is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post box when I
take out the garbage anyway (and the mailman picks up the mail at noon) .
I may as well pay the bills first. So, I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only 1 cheque left. My spare cheque book is in my desk in thestudy, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking earlier this morning.
I know I going to look for my cheque book, but first I need to push the Coke can aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is warm, so Idecide to put it in the refrigerator to make it cold again.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the dining room table catches my eye -- they need water.
I put the Coke on the dining room table and discover my reading glasses that I've Been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk,but first I'm going to put more water in the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the table, go to the kitchen sink to get a jug and fill it with water andsuddenly spot the TV remote on the window sill.
Some-one left it there.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the window sill, so I decide to put it back in thelounge room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the jug, but spill some on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the kitchen bench, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning todo.
At the end of the day
- the car isn't washed
- the cheque's aren't written for the bills to be paid
- there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the dining room table
- the flowers don't have enough water,
- there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
- I can't find the remote,
- I can't find my glasses,
- the garbage hasn't been taken out
- and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired now.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.
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Post by littleminx on May 3, 2006 21:06:01 GMT 1
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has Breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Inland Revenue badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust a IR auditor genie." "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink." ***Woosh*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***Woosh*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***Woosh*** He is turned into a tampon And, the moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
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Post by charliegirl on May 11, 2006 1:38:59 GMT 1
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the d**ned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
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Funnies
May 16, 2006 21:59:53 GMT 1
Post by tinchick on May 16, 2006 21:59:53 GMT 1
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Funnies
May 18, 2006 14:49:54 GMT 1
Post by littleminx on May 18, 2006 14:49:54 GMT 1
Only a Scot would think of this......from Glasgow, where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.
Recenly a routine police patrol parked outside a pub in Glasgow. After last orders the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the wipers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.
At last, the car park was empty; he pulled away and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and approached the car carrying a breathalyzer test kit.
To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!! Dumfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it", said the truly proud Glaswegian, "Tonight officer I'm the designated decoy!">>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>. Department of Health Minister for Health Victoria Quay Walsgrave Hospital Coventry
COVENTRY, April 4, 2006
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PHYSICIANS AND NURSES
CONFIDENTIAL
Subject : New contamination possible in most Towns
Recent studies conducted on "Bird Flu" (for which we have just received conclusive results) indicate that in certain cases this can now be transmitted to humans. We foresee a possible contamination in most Health Board areas. A Case has been reported in West Horndon, near Brentwood in Essex
It was observed that the subject examined was a regular consumer of Cadburys Cream Eggs & Chicken nuggets. Most (97.6%) if you encounter serious problems with your vision. Then you seriously need to consider if you have attended any Hen Parties recently
Extended periods of this illness would seriously affect the individuals reading capabilities. The subjects would also feel a trembling sensation. In extreme cases, individuals would start to hallucinate and see coloured specks when staring at an object for extended periods.
If you encounter any such patients having these symptoms, keep well away from them, please contact the Crisis Centre in Coventry were they can receive some Tamiflu Vaccine, immediately!!!
Our research to date has resulted in no known cure, consumption of alcohol every day for 3 months May help
Please pass this document on to everyone you believe at risk!!!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>. The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists.
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.
Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes,
"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said.
"I had to beat him to death with the chair."
MORAL : Women are evil
Don't mess with them !!!!!!!!
;D
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Funnies
Jun 24, 2006 18:23:49 GMT 1
Post by littleminx on Jun 24, 2006 18:23:49 GMT 1
If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned (learnt?) to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, english lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn: 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France (Surprise!). Sweetmeats are lollies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
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Post by charliegirl on Jul 5, 2006 19:44:35 GMT 1
This is a true story
A friend of mine's mum was in ASDA, in Queens Drive and after doing her shopping decided to treat herself to a coffee and a kitkat.
Having paid for her coffee and kitkat she looked for a free table and sat down. This gentleman sat down opposite her, and after she had a sip of her coffee she proceeded to open her kitkat - peeled the wrapper and broke it into two and then halved the two fingers - so she had four pieces altogether. She lifted one piece and put it in her mouth, just as the gentleman lifted a piece and put it in his mouth. Cheek she thought - but didn't say anything being too polite. She lifted another piece and eat it, just as the gentleman put the last piece in his mouth.
At this point she is raging to the point you could virtually see the steam coming out of her ears - the gentleman gets up and goes to the counter and buys a large chocolate chip muffin, he then, goes and sits at another table. This, she thinks really takes the biscuit! So in a rage gets up to go - having finished her coffee. The table the gentleman was now sitting at was in the direction of the door - so just as she was passing the table she grabbed the muffin and took a big bite out of the muffin. She then walked out the door pleased with herself, as she fumbled about in her pocket for her car keys she came across a kitkat!
Poor guy - must have thought she was a nutter!
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